Marriage

King Solomon, in his epic work Song of Songs, crystallized the essence of marriage with his statement “I am to my beloved, and my beloved is to me” (6:3). The Talmud calls Songs of Songs the “Holy of Holies” because the expression of the intensity of a loving relationship represents the relationship between husband and wife and between man and G-d.

The relationship between husband and wife is as sacred as the relationship between us and G-d.

In Judaism, marriage is defined as the finding of your other half. As Genesis states, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh” (2:24). Through the vehicle of marriage, two distinct people bind to one another and become in entity, bringing completeness to each other. The spiritual bonding is based on the essence of absolute love for each other and for a new beginning in the path of life.

Marriage not only completes a person, it brings them ultimate happiness and satisfaction in life. When G-d created Adam He said “It’s not good for man to be alone,” (Genesis 2:18). Additionally, the Zohar states that “A man is not called a man until he unites with a woman in marriage” (Genesis 5:2).

Love is a powerful force that causes one to forget oneself and think only of his beloved. We see this with Jacob and Rachel. Jacob’s love for Rachel was so intense that he agreed to work seven years for Rachel’s hand in marriage (Genesis29:18). The years seemed merely as days for him because Jacob loved Rachel so dearly. Time simply flew by because everything he did was for Rachel’s sake. He loved her so much that he did not care about himself. Pleasure came to him just by making her happy.

When one marries, this feeling of pleasure for the sake of one’s partner brings most joy. The Bal Shem Tov explained that if one truly desires to be loved, then he must love. If one recognizes the inner beauty of his of her spouse, then the feeling of love will emerge. This is the foundation of marriage; recognition that it is not a 50/50 relationship; it is a 100% relationship. Marriage is a relationship that demands commitment, respect, admiration, and most importantly love for one another.

In today’s society, however, it is much more difficult to appreciate the beauty of a true Torah marriage because of the many societal pressures and influence. Therefore, one must try harder, introspect deeper to achieve such a marriage.

Let’s begin with ourselves. If one does not recognize one’s own worth, how can one appreciate the worth of another. If one has a positive self worth and strength from within, he or she can begin life with a partner. Loving yourself allows you to be yourself without pretense. You can therefore be open, honest and loving with freedom. This is an underlying factor for enthusiasm for life and a wonderful way to begin your journey with the one you love.

In a loving relationship, each person seeks to promote his or her partner’s uniqueness. This is the ability to love your partner as he or she is, and not how you want him or her to be. Create this bond from the beginning so as circumstances in life emerge, you, as a couple will be resilient and even more bonded together. Don’t lose your unique qualities; nurture and maintain them, and grow as a couple. It is beautiful to need each other, but wholeness comes from within. Two halves make two halves. Two whole loving people can create a solid relationship. Love is a special connection that can be fueled to a successful life together.

When one loves, that love is embracing differences and discovering ways to build a common thread for life. Work together as partners without competition. Make choices together, fully listening to on another and learning what each has to offer.

Communication is another vital aspect. This is the lifeline for a successful marriage. It is important that each partner has the freedom to impart his or her thoughts and feelings. Some tips for effective communication include being an active listener and making eye contact when your spouse speaks with you. This will make him/her feel important to you.

Listen: Don’t prepare a response when your partner is speaking. Understand what he/she is feeling. Validate his or her thoughts. Your spouse may be just sharing information rather than seeking advice. Try to put yourself in his/her place and truly see the situation according to his or her perspective.

When speaking, don’t offer advice in response to every statement. It is better to understand your spouse’s real feeling behind the words.

Our Sages instructed us, “When judging each other, we must give them the benefit of the doubt” (Mishnah Avot 1:6).

Whether in agreement or not, it is of the utmost importance that your spouse feels the intensity of the love that Jacob felt for Rachel. There is a saying “Love may not be bread to eat; however it is the wine of life”

Maintain your love connection. True giving comes by contributing meaningfully to a partner. “When a marriage is a labor of love with mutual giving, a couple’s union is greater that the sum of their parts” (Kohelet Rabbah 4).

Suggestions to enhance this love connection may include: setting aside uninterrupted time to discuss daily matters, talking as friends and using listening and speaking skills that will nurture the relationship. Talk about things that are mutually interesting.

Get away from interruptions. Make a habit to take 15 minutes a day just for each other. Time together in not a luxury- it is a necessity.

Marriage is an eternal and holy bond. The Hebrew word for a marriage ceremony is Kiddushin, which comes from the words Kadosh, which means “Holy”. When one truly understands this blessing then one can begin to love and commit to one another with the sheer pleasure as Jacob did for Rachel.

Rochelle Harary, M.S. is a licensed school psychologist and a mental health counselor, with specialized training in cognitive and projective assessments. Rochelle received further training in marriage counseling.